How and why my partner and I regularly review our relationship

We have a set of monthly and quarterly questions that we ask each other - this blog explains.

We have been trying to be more honest with each other

Earlier this year, my partner and I went on a Radical Honesty retreat for couples. It was really enjoyable and valuable. The retreat involved a bunch of exercises to help us communicate more openly and understand each other better. These included things like practicing making requests of each other, even if they seem “unreasonable” (e.g. “I want you to do all the cleaning”), listing all of our expectations, and lots of sharing of things we appreciate or find frustrating about each other.

Another exercise we did was one in which all the couples took turns to share things that make their relationship strong and that others there might benefit from. The thing we shared was our regular review process. This post is about that!

My partner and I regularly review our relationship

My partner and I have regular, structured conversations about our relationship. We have been together for 3 years and have been doing relationship reviews every month since the start. They started out longer. Early in the relationship we had quite long reviews every month. For about the past two years we have had a longer quarterly review and relatively short monthly review. Relationships will generally change less often as they get longer, so the below might be overkill once we’ve been together a lot longer, but time will tell.

One of the key things that the reviews include is a meta question about the reviews themselves. Meta questions have meant that we have regularly updated the questions, adding new ones we think of and removing less valuable questions.

Relationship reviews are really good

I am not an expert on relationships, but I would be surprised if there are many intimate relationships that wouldn’t benefit from some kind of explicit review process.

The benefits are many, but the headlines benefits are that these reviews:

• Allow space to talk about any difficult topics in a context in which neither of us have become very upset. For example: Maybe we have had a few arguments that followed a particular pattern. The review gives us space to discuss some things that we both need in those moments and why we think that is coming up.

• Give us space to reconfirm what we mean to each other. For example: Highlighting times we have been grateful for each other recently, and what we are looking forward to doing together.

• Help us ensure that our relationship continues to be mutually beneficial. For example, by making plans to help each other with projects or creating shared goals.

• Allow us to have meta-conversations about how and how often we want to talk about our relationship.

Our relationship review questions

Below are the questions, but we also have a set of principles that we try to embody during our relationship review. These are:

• Show each other compassionate attention

• Communicate needs and boundaries 

• Communicate non-violently and with radical honesty

Our quarterly review questions (this takes a few hours)

• Spend 4 minutes each saying things you appreciate the other person for

• Ask each other “How can I be a better partner in this relationship”?

• How can we communicate with each other better?

  • For example:

    • Is there anything we could both do to help us resolve disagreements better?

    • Are there any ways we can be better at listening to each other?

    • How radically honest have we been in the last quarter?

• Are there any difficult feelings that we need to express?

• Review our relationship commitments (this is a long list, which covers all the things we expect each other to do, including how we want to communicate with each other, in what situations we might want to end the relationship  and a relatively precise definition of monogamy as we practice it)

• How do we spend time together and are we doing the things we said we would continue to do together and helping each other achieve our goals?

  • We have a number of shared goals and goals for which we are accountability buddies for each other. These include:

    • Meditating daily

    • Going running each week

    • Tracking when we act courageously

• How is the sex?

• Any problems with co-living?

  • For example:

    • Cleaning and tidying

    • Shopping and cooking

    • Money and shared expenses

    • Sleeping and waking

    • Activities and inviting people over

• What do we want to do in the next month together?

• Review agenda for the next review

Our monthly review questions (this takes about an hour)

• Spend 4 minutes each saying things you appreciate the other person for

• Are there any difficult feelings that we need to express?

• How is the sex?

• Any problems with co-living?

  • Cooking and cleaning?

  • Shopping/food

  • Money

  • Sleeping and waking

  • Activities and inviting people over

• What do we want to do in the next month together?

Other structured communication

• On weekdays we also have a daily 4 minutes of unstructured and uninterrupted talking each, while the other person listens. We do this every morning, after meditation (this is about anything that is on our mind, sometimes, but not usually the relationship).

Final thought

These reviews seem to have helped our relationship a lot. They often bring up issues that we didn't spot and give space to make it very clear to ourselves why we are together. They are usually fun and always leave us feeling more connected.

PS: my partner Hannah is awesome and has a great blog here)